What You Should Know About ‘Seeking Asian Female’(s), Part II

When I was watching the documentary Seeking Asian Female, I felt sorry for Sandy. But Sandy is not alone. She represents a group of Asian women who lack the knowledge of American males, or the United States, so that they make wrong decisions.

With my own experience, my friends’ experience, and the research I have done in mind, I offer the following questions for Asian females who want to marry/date American males to think about. Note: As I said in What You Should Know About ‘Seeking Asian Female(s), Part I, most of what I write also applies to other western males, but I write specifically about American males because I live in America and I’m married to an American.

  • 1. What do you expect from American males?

To me, a lot of Asian females are too idealistic about American males. They have the misconception that Americans are all rich and have big houses and nice cars. But when they come to the States and reality doesn’t match their expectations, they are disappointed. In the documentary, when Steven was driving Sandy around the city, Sandy pointed to a big beautiful house and told Steven they would save money and buy a big house like that. I am not quite sure if Steven really got her point. It is her dream to live in a house like that, not in a little apartment like his. Here I want to tell Asian women not everyone in America can afford a house. And only a very small percentage of people can afford a mansion. American males are normal people, just like Asian males. Some just have enough money to make ends meet every month. Some might be in debt.

  • 2. What can you bring into the marriage?

Just like any marriage, an interracial marriage also needs balance. Ask yourself, “What can I bring to the marriage?” If you need to completely depend on your American husband, you might also experience some mistreatment. That mistreatment is absolutely wrong. But because the relationship is not balanced, it is easier to get into it. Personally, I think women are in a much stronger position if they can support themselves financially if needed. I can, and I have educated my daughter that way too. But please don’t misunderstand me,  I love my husband, and he tells me every day that he loves me. Also, I think balancing your own life with family, friends, and a job helps your marriage.

  • 3. Do you really love the American man?

As I said in What You Should Know About ‘Seeking Asian Female’(s), Part I, a marriage needs to be built on love, not using each other. For example, some females just want to use the marriage to get a green card, a pass to enter and stay in the United States. If you are thinking of doing it, please stop. I say this for your own good because you are ruining your own life as well as another person’s life. You are here in the States far away from your family and friends, suffering for the green card, and it’s not worth it at all. I’ve heard some ladies say that a few years will pass by quickly. Think about living under the same roof with a man you don’t love; those few years will be long! You need to love the American man to marry to him. At the same time, make sure he loves you too.

  • 4. How much do you know the American culture? How is your English?

You will live in a completely different culture and environment. Are you ready for that? Do you have any experience visiting a western country or staying abroad?  Is your English good enough to have basic conversations? My major was English in China, and I came to America two times before I decided to apply for graduate school here. When I was in graduate school, I am very honest with you that I constantly had culture shock. The first few months, I was learning new things every day. I am thankful that I had the Chinese Student and Scholar Association at our university. We helped each other in a lot of ways so that we were not loners. I can’t imagine my life if I spoke limited English, didn’t know the American culture, and had no support.

  • 5. How much are you willing to adjust your daily life?

As I asked American males in What You Should Know About ‘Seeking Asian Female’(s), Part I, I am asking Asian females the same question. In an interracial marriage, both husband and wife need to make some adjustments. I heard girls say, “I only eat Chinese food.” If you are that girl but want to marry an American guy, you might need to prepare for some adjustments. Compromise for the relationship, and nurture the relationship.

I hope these questions will help you think and prepare yourself. There are a lot of happy interracial marriages. I wish yours will be one of them!

Did you watch Seeking Asian Female? Please leave a comment to let us know your take on the film and/or your experiences with interracial relationships.

If you haven’t watched it yet, you can click on this link to watch it on Amazon Instant Video:

3 thoughts on “What You Should Know About ‘Seeking Asian Female’(s), Part II

  1. I actually mostly felt sorry for Debbie. She clearly made the documentary because she’s not at peace with her Chinese identity or, well, with her Chinese body and her American mind. She’s full of preconceptions, both about Steven (who is evidently a quite smart and loving guy) and Sandy (who is not the classical green-card-seeking Chinese teen). Debbie treats Steven as a retard or a freak, but in fact Steven gives her a lesson in loving throughout the whole movie. Debbie doesn’t understand Sandy AT ALL (exactly like she doesn’t understand Chinese), and keeps portraying her as different stereotypes she has in her mind. Fact is, the only thing that emerges from this documentary, is that people need other people, and everyone would really work, even if communication is hard.

    Besides (if realistic and not overblown/scripted) the documentary itself displays serious ethical problems. After all, Debbie’s presence made Stevens’ brother spend a shitload of money for a marriage that SHE facilitated. If I was her, I would have run as far as possible before interferring that much. But sometimes shooting a nice documentary and winning prizes is more important than the people involved. Anyway, wish the best to Steven and Sandy, and hope Debbie divorces.

  2. I love my husband very much! I am like many Chinese ladies who married for love and are having a happy life.

  3. Point 3. Do you really love the American man? I wonder how many married Chinese women in China married for love? 30%? In a country where the old had their marriages arranged by their parents, where those in their 40′s and 50′s had it arranged by the Party, and where it seems the young are back to the parents making the arrangements (if the matchmaking parties made up of parents exchanging pics/info about their one child are any indication), that “marrying for love” is not a common idea in the Chinese mind…

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